Always putting others first: why we do it, what it costs us and how to stop

One of the hardest things we ever do is maintain clear, healthy, balanced relationships with other people.  The closer we are, the harder it can become. Keeping clear boundaries without closing ourselves off. Staying vulnerable and authentic without losing ourselves or compromising things that are important to us.  Balancing their needs and our needs.

We each have inescapable, intrinsic needs.  They’re part of being human, and they will always be with you.  From the really big and obvious things like needing physical safety, shelter and food; to things that are more subtle like needs for love, physical touch, creative expression or self-actualisation (becoming the authentic, real, whole person you were always meant to be).  I put a long list of core needs in my book, and I explain how we behave if these needs are managed in a healthy adult way, along with how things look if we ignore or suppress our needs.

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Whether we’re conscious of them or not, our essential needs are guiding us and influencing our feelings, thoughts and choices all the time.  So are the needs of other people. People will ask for things from you all the time, either directly or indirectly, trying to get their own needs met.  People need you to do practical things for them, or reassure them emotionally, or they might attack you to meet an unhealthy need to dominate and feel powerful, or they might become dependent on you to rescue them.  In a healthy parenting setup, children tend to be very insistent with their needs. Adults who haven’t done a lot of personal development work will also tend to be very needy in one way or another, and they will tend to express their needs in unconscious or passive-aggressive ways.

So basically, needs are buffeting us all the time.  Our own needs yearn to be met, and other people’s needs are being delivered to us all the time, either directly or indirectly.  We’re constantly making semi-conscious decisions about whose needs matter more.

Sometimes, it’s important to put our own needs on hold in order to look after another person.  This is especially true with young children, of course, but sometimes we will choose to look after or support another person.

Some of us tend to do this very easily.  Some of us can lose ourselves in caring for others and forget all about ourselves.  If you’re one of these people, you might:

• Have a reputation for always being there for people, for being a really nice person

• Find yourself going to ridiculous lengths to help people

• Do favours for people you don’t like, who will probably never do the same for you

• Often feel run-down, or used, or resentful

• Not be very good at saying no, or stopping helping people once you’ve started

The way we behave is a choice.  As I say to my coaching clients over and over, everything is choice.  Either those choices are conscious, considered, empowered choices, or they’re unconscious, passive choices made by another aspect of ourselves, or they can be somebody else’s choices and we simply choose to go along with them.  It’s all choice. Your power to choose is perhaps the most amazing gift you have.

If you know that you’re somebody who easily puts other people’s needs ahead of your own, you probably know that this is costing you a lot.

It costs energy, because you give so much of your energy away to other people.

It costs respect, because sometimes you will be treated badly or taken advantage of.

It can cost self-respect, because sometimes you might find yourself doing things you resent.

It can cost you a lot of enjoyment, fulfilment and satisfaction, because you’re busy worrying about what’s expected of you, or rushing around meeting other people’s demands and needs.

So if you’re somebody who tends to prioritise other people’s needs over your own, it’s useful to understand why you might choose to behave like that.  Here are some of the really common reasons:

LEARNED BEHAVIOUR

You’re just used to it.  Perhaps you grew up with a role-model who showed you that this is normal.  Perhaps you’ve developed a reputation at work, or at home, or with your friends, and this makes it easier to continue being that person.  Maybe you just fall into the role of looking after other people without noticing. Sometimes you might get to the end of your day and feel tired or uncomfortable, and only then notice what you’ve done.  You’re just used to being this person.

YOU’RE MEANT TO DO IT

This reason is emotional.  It’s a feeling, rather than a thought.  You might feel that you’re meant to look after people.  You might feel guilty about putting your own needs first.  You might find it awkward and uncomfortable to even consider your own needs.

This is a story that some people learn, and we can spend our whole lives living it out.  Generally we learn it early in life. Maybe it’s about our gender: mum taught us that women are meant to look after others; or dad taught us that we should selflessly work ourselves into the ground to provide for others.  Or it can be the other way around. The point is that we grew up with a strong message that it’s right to put other first and it’s bad to put yourself first. Always be giving.

This reason can easily be linked to personal shame, which is a huge topic (if you’re interested in fully understanding the role of shame in yourself, in relationships and in our culture, I unpack it at length in my book).  Put simply, shame is the idea that there are things about you that are unacceptable, and if people really saw you the way you are, they wouldn’t accept you or love you. Almost everyone I’ve ever met carries shame in one way or another, and we work really hard to hide things about ourselves to make ourselves acceptable and worthy.  When we do this, we tend to fall into one of three roles or characters, and one of these roles is the Rescuer.  

Rescuers get their self-esteem from helping other people (practically or emotionally), and when they’re not rescuing people they can easily slip into feel useless, unhappy, low, ashamed of themselves or persecuting themselves.  If you feel you’re meant to be helpful, to put others first, you can easily feel crap about yourself when you’re not doing this. So it’s important to keep helping.

AVOIDING WHAT LIES BENEATH

If you know that you tend to put other people’s needs first, then you might also know that you avoid looking at some stuff in yourself.  It’s too uncomfortable, too painful or too confusing. This is a main reason we keep ourselves busy looking out for all the people in our lives.  By looking at them, we are not looking at ourselves.

Sometimes this can be very deep stuff, stuff that we’re really uncomfortable with, stuff that we feel a need to work hard to avoid.  At other times, it’s just that we’ve fallen into the habit of looking at others and we’ve stopped looking at ourselves. This is quickly dispelled by simply making a bit of time for ourselves.  Sitting in the sun for a while. Indulging in a hobby. Taking a day to spoil ourselves.

If you know that there’s stuff inside that you avoid, then a time will come when you will need to deal with it.  Sooner or later, it will come to dominate your life. It already exerts an effect on your choices and your happiness.  Over time, things that are left alone through fear or discomfort tend to grow and become more influential.

I have spent most of my adult life helping people to unpack and understand what’s going on inside themselves.  In a safe environment, this can be much less frightening than people tend to think. The more we understand, the more we feel at ease and the more we can begin making better choices for ourselves.

So if you know that you tend to put others’ first, and if you know it’s costing you a lot, I encourage you to look into the reasons behind this and start making some changes.  Try not to leap to the other extreme and persecute those who ask for things from you. This keeps you locked in basically the same cycle. Try instead to understand the roots of your own choices, to break through into a new level of understanding about yourself.  From there, you will naturally begin to find more balance and fairness in your relationships, and this will begin to let more energy and happiness into your life.  

You might want to dive into a good book on the subject (check out my reading list or my book), or hunt for resources online, or see a counsellor of coach.  This is important work, and it’s often the difference between feeling tired, used or worn-out, and feeling empowered, happy and in control.