Name your fears (and take back control)

New years are new beginnings.  Christmas itself is a weird, time-stretching week when everyone loses track of what day it is.  Any change in routine gives us a chance to look at things from a new perspective. We can look at things in new ways, draw a line under things we don’t want to do any more and set new intentions for ourselves.  If you’ve looked at your life and decided the course you’re on isn’t right for you, this is a chance to correct it.

Each of us operates at a certain level of awareness of ourselves.  Some people barely know why they do things, and rarely make conscious choices about the course of their lives.  They rely on other people to make their decisions, and bounce from one situation to the next. These people tend to be unhappy and confused a lot of the time.

At the other end of the spectrum, people who understand who they are, what they are and why they are, have tremendous freedom and personal power.  They can choose their future, choose their responses to situations, build great relationships, make plans and follow through without distraction of self-sabotage.

I help people move from the former state to the latter.  I do it through coaching and I’ve written a book about it.

So whatever you choose to do with this new year, this fresh start, this chance to correct your direction, make sure you are learning what makes you tick.

Fear is a tricky thing to work with.  If you don’t understand fear, you will almost never notice it.  Fear doesn’t want to be noticed. In general, it doesn’t make itself known like anger or sadness do.  It will general operate invisibly. Time will pass and you just won’t do certain things. You’ll avoid certain choices.  You’ll sabotage new ideas or you’ll subtly abandon new courses of action. And often, you won’t even notice what you did.  If anybody asks, you’ll have really good reasons for the things you’ve done, or not done.

But the actual reason was fear.  You are afraid. We’re all scared of things.

We exist in four dimensions: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.  Each is entirely separate. Thoughts are not feelings. Spirituality is not an emotion.  The body is not the mind. Each has its own rules, its own way of working, and they jostle for attention and control differently at different times.  If you’re interested in this idea, there’s a lot more about this in my book.

It’s important to understand that your dimensions are separate.  You may consciously want to quit your job, or move to a new area, or ask somebody out on a date, or invest in a new business venture, but your emotions may have different ideas.  Every emotion has important, wise things to tell you, but they should not be making your decisions. Making the distinction between what you think and what you feel, and being really aware of what you feel, makes a huge difference in how effective you can be.  It’s possible to be excited, afraid, angry and happy all at the same time. This is the rich maelstrom that is the human experience. The more you know, the more you feel, the more you understand, the better you will navigate it.

People make two key mistakes when it comes to fear, and both of these mistakes lead to fear screwing up their lives.

The first mistake is to ignore it entirely, or deny it, or pretend it doesn’t exist.  Whether you choose to acknowledge them or not, you feelings are happening, and they are part of you, and they are have a huge effect on your decision-making.  Most people do not make many conscious decisions at all: their emotions are running the show. They feel angry, they say something hurtful. They feel sad, they look for comfort.  They feel insecure, they use things to prop up their self-esteem. Stimulus: response. It’s a reckless, painful, disempowered way to live.

So first, we have to acknowledge that our feelings exist, and this includes fear.  This doesn’t mean we’re giving it more power. The feelings are going on whether we notice them or not.  But we find the courage to turn to face our fears and we investigate them, like an explorer in a strange new land.  We learn. We notice. Maybe we keep a journal so we can notice patterns over time. Initially this can be a bit scary in itself, as we realise the scale and complexity of our emotional landscape, but if we persevere we begin to know our feelings like old friends, and we begin to have a better relationship with them.

The second big mistake people make is that they acknowledge fear, but they believe that fear is in control.  The feeling can be intense. If it’s a fear that began in early life, it can take us back to that child-like state of vulnerability.  Even a fear that began in adulthood can be hard to handle (for example, maybe you’re afraid of opening up to a new partner because of how a past partner treated you).

This is where understanding your different aspects and dimensions is important.  You are NOT your feelings. Your feelings are happening to you. You are a conscious, intelligent, complex, messy human being, who can witness your own emotions without immediate doing what they tell you to do.  You can stand before the storm of your own internal passions and hold your ground.

So the art of managing fear is to face it, witness it, acknowledge it, be with it, but not be overwhelmed by it, manipulated by it or compelled by it.  It is just an experience you’re having. You are not a victim, you are in control of your choices and your actions. Even in the midst of fear, you can continue to take meaningful steps forward.  In fear and trembling, you can choose your own destiny.

As we do this more often, as we catch ourselves acting out of fear and gently correct our choices, we get more practiced at it.  We grow. We become wiser to our own internal landscape. We get stronger...much stronger.

So as you look to the new year and all the things you’ll achieve, I invite you to begin naming your fears.  Some will be core fears that have always been with you. Some will be the fears that arise from the current shape of your life.  Write them down and stare at the words. Let them enter your conscious awareness.

But remember that they are not in control.  You are. You choose what steps you take, and you choose the direction of your journey.  Fear is just a companion, like anger, joy, sadness, grief and love.