Getting more out of coaching
The 50 minutes of a coaching session can fly by. In the beginnnig, it can be hard to know what to say and what to expect. But just as a coach has to go through a lot of training, so every client can become an expert at using that short window of time to maximum possible benefit.
Here are some pieces of advice for getting the most out of coaching work. They’re broken into two categories:
The Coaching Mindset
How to Handle Sessions
THE COACHING Mindset
You cannot solve a problem with the same thinking that created it
By the time you speak to me, you will have tried lots of other ways to solve your problem. At this point, no amount of solo research or introspective thought can show you the thought patterns that are keeping you stuck. Often it is the introduction of an entirely new way of looking at things that makes the difference (a so-called ‘paradigm shift’). If you limit your thinking and experiences to the ways you currently see the world, or if you insist on limiting the conversation because you cannot let go of key beliefs or ideas, you’re sabotaging the coaching process. Whenever I challenge your ideas or beliefs, I will do it gently and I will make it clear what I’m doing, to make sure that you have a conscious choice whether to engage with the challenge or not.
Be ready to have your world turned upside down by new ideas or by exploratory questions. I don’t insist that you agree with me, but I do encourage you to have an explorer’s mindset; where new horizons are greeted with curiosity and enthusiasm.
Find excitement for WHAT’S POSSIBLE
When you’re stuck at a point in your life that feels crappy, it’s easy to focus on what’s not possible. When we visit places in you that are uncomfortable, or which bring you struggles, it’s normal to feel moments of despair that this could ever change. If we’re working on something in your life that’s hard, you’ll have setbacks.
Try to keep a bit of your mind open to the idea that good things are coming. No matter how smart you think you are or how clearly you think you see the world, life is far more surprising and creative than you could imagine. Things click into place sometimes, when you least expect them. Be open to these possibilities.
Be enthusiastic about the unknown, about discovering that your beliefs were (on deeper reflection) inaccurate or limiting. Welcome the sensation of leaving behind what you know.
Clients who get the most out of coaching are actively hunting for moments when they find out they’re wrong.
When you discover that you had the wrong information, or that the way you handle things wasn’t great, or that you’ve had an outlook that doesn’t actually make sense, you can respond in all sorts of ways. Sometimes it’s completely understandable to feel frustration, or feel grief for the things this has cost you, or feel sad. Sometimes we get lost in a limiting (but self-protective) belief and we fight to defend it, even when we sense in our heart that it’s wrong. Sometimes we encounter shame that we’ve been driven by things inside us that aren’t serving us, aren’t taking us in good directions, or cause harm to others. These are all understandable and normal responses when you get a clear view of something murky or limiting inside yourself.
But another response is to say “great, this is so helpful to see this clearly at last, let’s go looking for a better way to do things”. This is the mindset I’d encourage you to find.
Spend at least as much energy celebrating your milestones as you do criticising your mistakes
For a range of reasons, it’s important to celebrate your wins. Do this in-session, and generally in your life. Tell people you care about what you achieved. Write things down in your journal. Remind yourself about your successes and your growth as you travel to work. It feels good, it reinforces your commitment to your journey, and it teaches your emotions and your unconscious what matters most. If you only think about your struggles and difficulties, you will find yourself thinking about them more and more. It becomes a habit, the neuroplasticity of your brain adapts to this way of thinking. So encourage it to adapt in better ways by making a big deal out of your victories.
Try to condense your goal, struggle or pain into a short statement or question, and return to this often to remember why this is worth all the hard work
Your coaching journey with me might be short or long, but it’s going to be driven by a core need, or goal, or yearning that you bring to the work. I might offer you other perspectives, and I often suggest that “in order to solve X, we really need to tackle Y”, and if you agree you might need to update your statement or question. But it’s really helpful to keep a simple reminder for yourself about why you’re doing this work.
How to Handle Sessions
Prepare for each session
You’ll get more from a session if you don’t arrive rushed, or still focused on something that just popped up at work or at home.
Please take 10 or 20 minutes before the session to:
Review what we’ve talked about before
Reconnect with your motivation
Revisit any homework or exercises you’ve done
Where possible, get excited for the coming conversation
Centre and calm your mind so that you’re here, now, ready to have an important and meaningful exchange with your coach
Be ready for the two types of session
There seem to be two types of coaching sessions. This just seems to be the nature of good, deep coaching work, and there’s a limited amount of benefit in trying to fight against it.
Focused sessions
Some sessions will feel like problem-solving, exploring, learning, doing exercises, dissecting situations from your life to work out what was really going on, setting goals and roadmaps, actively delving into things.Processing sessions
But there will be other sessions when you show up with a huge emotional charge. Perhaps you’ve been using tools or strategies from our coaching work and it’s brought up huge unexpected repurcusions. Perhaps something totally unrelated has happened (a problem at work, a fight with your partner, some huge news…) and as much as you want to focus on the work we were doing, you just can’t.
Trust me to fold both kinds of sessions into the work, and to make processing just as valuable as focusing for your personal growth.
My skills as a coach aren’t just about external work, they’re also about what’s happening in you and how you see the world. While the focused sessions can feel positive and productive, I see the processing sessions as just as important. We get to practice things like emotional regulation, clear analysis, communication skills, and all sorts of other areas of personal development when you’re actually feeling those intense sensations. We get to meet some of your core challenges in a literal and present way instead of reflecting on them in a safe way. Also, sometimes your unconscious will bring up something so that you can bring it to coaching.
So from my perspective, both types of sessions are valid.
Try to name your feelings
I often share with people this emotional vocabulary sheet by Karla McLaren.
It’s really helpful if you can put names to the things you’re feeling, and use those names during sessions. Some people even print the sheet out and put it beside their computer so they have it to hand.
As much as I care and want to see you thrive, this is your journey. Take agency and responsibility.
I am a companion on your journey. I’m here to bring you fresh energy, new perspectives, to encourage you, to help you process what’s happening to you, to help you make sense of things, and to bring you a hugely complex understanding of how the human person works. My expertise is to see where you are, where you could be, and offer guidance on how to get there. But while I’m totally invested in your success while we’re speaking, you’re the one who has to live this life after the session ends. You are in charge, you have the agency to direct the session, and ultimately you have all the responsibility for your own development. You decide how much time and energy you invest into the work between sessions, what kinds of risks you’re willing to take to improve your life and how much you’re willing to turn the theory of personal growth into lived experience.
So please keep an active mind, a sense of responsibility for your growth, use me as a wise, enthusiastic companion but don’t surrender your agency to me.
Trust that I am entirely on your side and have only your highest good in mind, even when I invite you to consider painful things.
I am totally on your side - I have no priorities except the things you want for yourself
I am not judging you when I ask questions - I’ll ask a lot of questions as your coach, to help me understand things and to help you reflect on your answers. You’ll be used to people having their own agendas and hidden meanings. As your coach, I don’t. I am operating from unconditional respect and positive intention.
Let yourself be guided - We might go to places you didn’t expect when we work together. Sometimes these places will be outside of your comfort zone. But they’ll always be for good reasons, that will lead to substantial personal growth for you. I will explain what’s happening and always give you the option not to do things.
Be open to challenge and shifts in perspective - You’ve hired a coach because I can give you new perspectives on the things you’re facing. So if I take the conversation in an unexpected or uncomfortable direction, trust that it’s for a good reason.
Emotion is welcome during coaching sessions
Your emotions are part of who you are, and I don’t find them uncomfortable, alarming or annoying. I welcome how you feel. Indeed, the work tends to go better when you’re present as an emotional being, rather than just a thinking one. If you find yourself crying, or getting angry, or feeling fear, or if any other emotion surfaces during a session, that is fine and welcome.
At the same time, please remember my advice about agency. If you’re tempted to blame me for you being upset, or angry, or scared then I’ll remind you that I’m on your side and we’re here to figure things out together.
Processing out-loud, and reflecting back what you heard, help us to stay on the same page
If I ever say something, or deliver a bit of learning, it can be difficult to quickly integrate it. Sometimes the emotion of the moment will stop your mind making sense of what I just said. Sometimes it’ll be such an alien idea that it takes a moment to understand. Sometimes (very rarely!) I just express things badly.
At other times, you’ll notice things happening inside you that it would be helpful for me to know as it happens.
Please do as much processing out-loud as possible during a session, and if you’re unsure about things I’ve said, repeat them back to me in your own words. This all helps us stay in sync.
Keep your own notes
You get a recording and an ai-generated summary of each coaching session, but it’s still a good idea to bring a pen-and-paper (or a notes app) to each session. I am always happy to pause what I’m saying while you write things down.
Kindness and gratitude are welcome
As your coach, my wellbeing is my own business. As much as I’ll come across as warm, engaged, caring and challenging, I won’t often feel like a whole and vulnerable human being. You don’t need to worry about sharing things with me like you might with your friends - I’m here for you, I’m not judging, and I’m not going to react from my own emotions or needs. All of this is part of the skillset of a good coach.
At the same time, I am still human and I treat this work as a calling rather than a job. For 50 minutes, I am welcomed deeply into your world and no amount of boundary-setting will stop me caring about how you are.
So when one of my clients says thank you, it means a lot to me. It tells me you appreciate my help, that this work is valuable to you, and it tells me you recognise how hard I’m working to help you. If you ever have a genuine impulse to say thank you, it’s always nice.